Fast forward 3 years

I’m 48 and I’m not sleeping, I wake up hot, the covers come off and then I wake again freezing cold. I started to keep count of how many times a night this would happen.  It was an average of 5 times a night. My alarm would go off at 6 and the dread that would entrench me would be the start of my day. Don’t anyone speak to me or even look at me as I’m simply not in the mood, again. Take a shower, feel better, get dressed and head for the train station with my travel mug of coffee. No makeup yet as this is when the hot flushes are raging through my body. It’s the middle of winter and I’m on Newport train station fanning myself. I avoid any eye contact from anyone as I’m simply too embarrassed. I always book a seat on the train because as soon as the thermostat is controlled I can put my make up on.

If I’ve still got your attention I’ll continue

The other symptoms I experience I recognise straight away. Brain fog. What’s this?

I cant think straight, my words come out in mumbled sentences. I know what I want to say, I just cant articulate them. So this when I start to say little, particularly if I’m not chairing the meeting. My to do list is getting longer, on a good day, when I can focus I cross everything off, some days I can barely function and I leave it all to stack up for a day when I can work from home. I’m quite lucky with my job, I have the autonomy to do this however when the deadlines are tight I simply cannot cope and I feel like I’m failing.  I cant concentrate, Ive lost my focus and I’m worried that I am going to be managed out of my job because I am not performing to the standard I expect of myself.  I get dizzy spells and it feels like the symptoms of vertigo. Brain fog is weird, its like a constant hangover and your head is swimming in water. Not to dissimilar to getting water in your ears when you’ve been swimming. The difference being, that this is constant.

Loss of libido – you wouldn’t think this was that important but I miss it. It’s something that’s important in a relationship and as we’ve only been together just over 4 years its been a healthy sexual relationship. I miss the intimacy, the affection, the caresses.  But I simply do not have any inclination to be up close and personal. I don’t love myself very much right now so I don’t have anything left to give any one else.

Then there’s the weight gain and vaginal dryness. I bet you’re wondering why I would put these 2 symptoms together. So let me explain – when you gain weight it knocks your confidence and you lose interest in sex because you are worried you don’t appeal to your partner. So even if I did feel at all interested, vaginal dryness is so painful it’s difficult to maintain a sexual relationship.

Feeling tired and lacking in energy – well just see above. You wake up 5 times a night for a start. OK, so its not every night but there’s a cycle. Even if you have one decent nights sleep you are still hungover from the lack of sleep the previous night! I don’t want to go out for a run as I’m simply too tired, my body weighs a tonne and my muscle and joints ache all the time.

You see this list?

Some women going through the menopause say they sail through it, others may have one or 2 symptoms. At some point I have experienced them all. I think this is why I have suffered so much during this journey.  When I have spoken to other women they suggest different potions and pills to deal with flushes and night sweats but no one has offered my anything that going to resolve what feels like torture. Surely its not just me, right?

At this point there are a few things going on in my life. I have signed up to the Virgin London Marathon, I am considering quitting my job and taking a sabbatical and the GP has offered me plan B (HRT patches).

By June 2017 I work my last day in work. I have had a few tongue in cheek conversations with my line manager and colleagues in work about the menopause but I feel like Ive simply got to get on with it.  I cannot go on like this anymore.
The symptoms are so debilitating I feel like it’s becoming a disability. Don’t get me wrong there are good days but these are very few and far between. I’ve stopped socialising with my usual group of friends as we have very little in common anymore and I’m sure they find me a bore now anyway.  My feelings are numbness, I have stopped caring about myself, I want to cry all the time and even when I feel a little better I find it hard to be around people as they’ll expect me to contribute to a conversation.